i’ve been playing around with this thing for days now. i just linked it with my facebook and yahoo, so let’s see if this works. lol. *clears throat and taps mic* ahem… is this thing on?
~ honor you double ~ {a dig deep and let go challenge i was issued from Andre Bacon}
i am
more than an unwanted daughter and the root of all your troubles
more than the reason your husband struggled with sobriety
and most certainly more than the catalyst for your black eyes
i just didn’t realize it then
and i believed you
i believed that it was because of me that you had no family
a black sheep set free to wander aimlessly with your black seed
and it didn’t matter that i was
smart
creative
or pretty
didn’t matter that i loved you unconditionally
i
just
didn’t matter
i learned to be afraid
learned to stifle my words
learned that the safest route was to be unseen as well as unheard
your lonely existence spilled over into mine and each time you got the chance you’d clip my wings so i couldn’t fly
but i was told to honor my mother, double since i had no father
but you’d trip me so i’d stumble wondering why i even bothered
i wondered why you didn’t love me
i wondered
what was it about me that prompted you to call me bitch
and whore
wondered why, at sixteen, you showed me the front door
you were all i had
ever
but you never truly cared
and i’ve spent the greater portion of my life just wandering alone
and scared
i’m an adult now
have been for quite a number of years
and through all the pain and anger and tears
i learned to release my fears
though they haven’t completely dispersed
forever cursed
by your hatred
and blatant nonchalance
i’ve tried
so many times, i’ve tried
and i watch other mothers and daughters
and cry
because i truly
have
tried
with every ounce of my being
from the depths of my soul
pulling every bit of fear out of me in an attempt to be whole
with you
and it never worked
we’ve both gotten older and i know you’re now alone, but for the life of me i can’t seem to make myself answer that fucking phone when you call
the voice mails are the worst
listening to the tear filled “i love you’s” on special occasions followed by the curse filled degradations when you get no response
i hate my birthdays
i hate mother’s day
i hate every fucking holiday because i know you’re gonna call
and i won’t answer
and we’ll circle back to the beginning when everything was my fault
but it’s not
and
i am more than some half breed bitch who wasn’t allowed in your mother’s house
i am more than a whore who, as a teen, bore a daughter and had to get out
i am more than no good
more than ungrateful
more than a target for your misery and hateful ways
i am more than someone who gave birth to “trifling trash”
more than someone who can kiss your fucking ass
i’m more than stupid
more than a nigger
spent more than half my life attempting to be the bigger person
and the saddest part of it all is the fact that
one day soon
you’re gonna need me to see you through your last days
and the truth is
i don’t know if i’ll be able to do it
i know i don’t want to
but I guess i’ll have no choice
because
i was told to honor my mother, double since I have no father
and there’ll be no one else to do it
because this half breed bitch
is really all you’ve got
~ Poetic Enchantment ~ {inspired, in part, by Robert Jackson, entitled by Carlisle Riley}
the
sultry caress of your words
glide across my soul
their goal, evident in the arcs formed above my valleys with teasing
breathy
susurrations
gyrations of crystalline shivers engulf my moans
your diction flows throughout my psyche as i
bite my lip and
contentedly sip
at your direct inflection, injected with the seductive intent that i
ingest
your essence
excitement builds as you recite for me
something quite like a masterpiece
and the release of emotion increases with each intellectually delectable syllable
with the vulnerability of an artist’s heart, i absorb that part of you that lingers between the lines
that part that
mentally dines on life’s morsels
excretes lyrical portions of excellence
the experience leaving me in a somewhat
euphoric
trance
as i
dance along the edges of your mystically woven clouds
intensely aroused
by the
imagery your words create for me
you
satiate me
you
radiate from your being a seemingly innate understanding for what elates me
and the spiritually perceived spaces in between scream what i deem something akin to the delicious remnants of
the most salacious
dream
streams of consciousness scattered
senses condensed so that nothing else matters
erratic mind chatter preventing my grasp on the coherency to express something more than this gasp
you urge forth
time flips on reverse
my mind spins totally off course
and
i
become saturated by the force of this literary river’s deliverance
upon my existence
and
in that instance
i realize
that i’ve
fallen into the spell of
the sultry caress of your words
gliding across
my soul
~my heart beats your name~
my heart
beats your name
hardly able to explain this phenomenon, i tune in to the staccato rhythm with a keen ear
listening intently with my spirit, i wonder if you hear it, too
pulsing through me with such a delicious violence, my flesh bears the markings of a slight chill
though i burn for you
yearning for the synchronicity the two of us shared
sparing no ruminations for later
i want to mentally devour the ghosts of your susurrations
right
now
drowning, i seem to be
blood dancing throughout my being in joyous wonder as your scent, imprinted upon my recollections,
renders me nostalgic and under the surface of this virtual elation
is the reality of discontent
days and nights spent
wondering
blundering
attempts to resist the plundering of
my perceptions of your soul
upon my psyche
futile
mind unifying with this tell tale heart
forming thoughts and notions of romantic emotion mingling, seemingly, in endless oceans of
fairy tale wishes and
senseless inhibitions
an exhibition of an artist’s ultimate rendition
of love
that is not to be
never shall i see the fruition of what my fertile imaginings conspire to create
in it’s place
a dull ache that shakes me to my soul and the whisperings of your name intermingled in the beating of my heart becomes a cruel taunt
and i am wont to succumb
the strum of bittersweet rhythms
creating divisions between what i want, what i need
what is true and make believe
and breathing becomes something i have to practice continually for my body’s involuntary memory of the action flees
yet
my heart never seems to forget
how to beat
the rhythm
of your name
Xtra!! Xtra!! {In Memory of Derrion Albert}
Xtra!! Xtra!!
read all about it!!
headlines read
beating death of Chicago teen
broken bones
and
broken dreams
blaring horns and frantic screams
and the scene is captured for all to see
just a click of your mouse and murder invades your screen
i’ve lived an entire life never bearing witness to a killing
and it’s chilling to watch a young man’s last moments
i cant even imagine the torment his family and friends must feel
and the sad truth is this viewing somehow makes it unreal because no one murders another person in front of so many witnesses!!
and furthermore the assailants were kids
and now
they get life
for a life
what strife must THOSE family members and friends be going through
cuz no matter how you try to raise them sometimes
fact is
they gon do what they wanna do
and these branches emerging from what were once deemed to be strong and nurturing roots
have become broken and fragile to the point that one cant depend on their ability to hold up under scrutiny of a society that cares not what they do
who needs the klan or
the man
when we’ve got urban youth
a friend told me not long ago that a child was killed in his hood
and everyone decided that they’d form a march for the greater good
and he refused to join in
and his neighbor couldn’t believe that this man actually had the audacity to decline being part of such an honorable movement
and he attempted to engage said friend in a debate
to which he was told
you’re doin too little
too late
see
you shoulda marched your ass to that corner when the deals were goin down cuz this is where you lay your head
and if you’d have marched your ass to those pta meetings then maybe
just maybe
that little girl wouldn’t be dead
but marching after the murders doesn’t do a damn thing to solve them
play part in the solution lest you instigate the problem
see
complacency
and complicity
both begin the same
both literally and figuratively
and our ongoing existence here as, not individuals, but as a people depend entirely on you and me
for we are the ones who determine our destinies
these are not cases of preordained happenings
we were not designed to fail according to some supreme beings fancy
created in perfection, somehow we’ve allowed our perceptions of ourselves to become skewed and we continuously abuse ourselves and each other out of sheer ignorance
it was never providence
and we’re turning our children into murderers and martyrs
fighting for a cause they can’t even identify
yet we cry for their actions
perpetrate their infractions
bear the cross of inaction so long as their dissatisfaction
doesn’t touch us personally
universally, we all pay
each death by the hand of another is a direct reflection of each of us
for we are
the they
that we’re always talking about
and as long as we refuse to open our mouths to speak out against this self mutilation
and
sit idly by watching this spiritual castration
we’ll forever be doomed
to watch a child’s murder of another child
on video as it airs across all nations
~How Long is Forever~
exactly
how long
is forever
cuz each moment without you is like
counting grains of sand
and
every minute line of my hand
losing count halfway through and having to begin again
and
more specifically
when will eternity take over
cuz i mean
i’ve been roving aimlessly seemingly lost
tossed aside by those unable to pay the cost for my divinity
and every amenity allotted
in my besotted state was greedily accepted and reimbursed with hate
and my innate sense of being sent me fleeing onto the edge of an unknown where i realized that i was better off alone
yet
i anticipate
my infinite fate
and the waiting becomes so excruciating at times and my mind begins that old habit of
debating my worth
contemplating the design laid out for me at birth
and for all of life’s challenges set forth upon my path i stand tall realizing there’s nothing i cant get past
exactly
how long
is forever
does it’s dimensions equate with those of never
constantly evolving into nothingness
revolving like galactic orbs whose paths maintain a parallel course with a source of creation adamantly debated by those who claim to know eternal bliss
or does it live in a kiss
where promises abound and resound throughout ones spirit
for that is where its said that one can hear it
and
the further i get away i’m simultaneously drawn near it
and the ultimate goal is to experience what the ancients extolled of that kiss being the irrevocable transference of two souls
so i ask you
when does eternity begin?
for there is where supposedly new joys will transpire as we alight upon the higher planes of enlightenment
and as we walk in concordance with the ordinance set forth
releasing ourselves to be increasingly more
we’ll discover in each other kindred beings of one mother
reveling in rebirth with an infinite lover
casting away all doubts and dismay as we ride the tide of eternal elation
side by side witnessing infinite revelations
and the duration of forever will no longer seem so intangible
because
each moment with you will seem like
counting grains of sand
and
every minute line in my hand
losing count halfway through
then having to begin again
~ Untitled ~
i’d walk forever and a day to feel the essence of your caress upon me once again
propelled by the memory of the way you’d run your hand along my hips
the valleys and dips slowly savored by your lips
and i’m slipping into a sensual hallucinogenic trip as my grip on reality shatters like waves crashing against the rocky shores of some distant mountain side
and my eyes can’t hide the desire i feel
you smile seductively
knowing that you’ve got me caught in a web of eroticism that surpasses either of our understanding
flesh
demanding
flesh
a million words spoken in just one caress
and we could care less about what goes on outside this world we’ve created for ourselves
delving into each other’s beings with no presence of mind
just you
and me
and seemingly endless amounts of time
and
the moon’s shine is exclusively ours
our fusion, the product of it’s collusion with the stars
bathing us in an urgent tranquility as we silently succumb to the colloquial bondage of our skin, sweat and breath
needing and wanting more
refusing anything less
and the breadth of our excursions will remain eternally etched
in ecstacy’s recollections
so i’ll walk forever and a day
accompanied on my quest
by the memory propelling me to, once again, seek the essence of your caress
~Be~
i close my eyes and envision what, at one time, was what could be
and i remember how the path ahead was riddled with prosperity
and i dared to dream of an eternity of
you
and me
dared to believe that we could be
the inspiration of love songs
and
the demonstration of righted wrongs
the liberation of nights long with longing for that special someone who would encourage the best of me to surge forth to claim my destiny
instead
you stifled me
trifled me with mundane idiocies which led me to believe there was something actually wrong with me
sent me seeking inwardly for answers to questions unasked
eyeing myself intently in the mirror in efforts to see beyond the mask
i saw my truth
and what i found
were your issues
because i’d already found mine
acknowledged them and
began my attempts to realign myself with who i knew me to be
and with each layer i penetrated
your vicious love generated an insecurity that i found myself constantly trying to shake off
and you’d sneer
and you’d scoff
and i became tired
weary under this assault
desperate to the point that i agreed it was my fault
i did it
ok?
so lets drop it
and i’ll just
walk away
but it wasnt enough for you
and you continued to push and to prod
forgetting your promises to me
disregarding our promises to God
and i carried the weight of the guilt that settled upon what we failed to build
til it hit me one day
i was not created to suffer
was not designed to be disrespected, misused or thrown aside
i wasnt just some bitch on the street
motherfucker, i was your bride!
and those tears of inadequacy
those tears that i cried
they dried when i relearned
the beauty inside of me
and i’ve designs on a better life
so i close my eyes and envision what could be
realizing that the path ahead is riddled with prosperity
and i dream of an eternity of
me
loving me
knowing that im free to be…
well, you know…
to just
BE
~Rain~
i’ve been a bit anxious to post here since creating this blog yesterday. lol. this piece was written very quickly and without much thought… been quite a while since i was able to do that. *sigh* love that feeling. please enjoy 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
earth cleansing droplets washing away stains left behind by negligence and pain
and every train of thought
wrought from this empty place inside of me
brings me back to you
the you that i used to know
the one that made me bask in the warmth of the glow inspired by my touch
when
my smile made your heart shine through orbs that seemed to only envision me
reflecting a sincerity evident in the way you spoke my name
yet
the game was revealed when the universe opted to peel away the layers that enshrouded your deception
and my only question
was
why?
laughter now replaces the tears which once replaced the laughter
and from this moment
this time
and every one thereafter
i’ll continue to keep those fond memories close
for it isnt within me to hold onto pain
and ill not allow myself to strain for understanding of a decision that left my mind demanding an explanation
will not spend the duration of my time here under constant duress
lifting my arms
i dance under the caress of heavens tears and i reach into my soul for that place in me that is everlasting
grasping infinity with the hope of one that refuses to wilt under the pressure of a relentless lie
one that continues to try to
mold me as one molds a lump of clay
my face turns upward with a smile
and the rain cleanses me as it gently washes the pain away
and i
remain
intact
